Anger Is Contageous
by Hawkwitch
Summary: The Key debacle gets one more twist, when Sir Humphrey threatens Bernard with corporal punishment. Bernard gets upset and says something quite insolent, which he would not say otherwise. Soon he realizes that he probably won't get away with it. Bernard thinks some nasty thoughts about his masters and rants in front of his wife. Warnings: strong language, dark humour


I've made a speculation over what Bernard might think and say when his superiors are not around to hear him.  
Bernard's hidden side and motives are not explored much in the show. But it appears to me that Bernard a) has more strategic acumen than he's ever given credit for b) he does not exactly mind making fun of his bosses when he believes he can get away with it.

**Summary:** The Key debacle gets one more twist, when Sir Humphrey threatens Bernard with corporal punishment. Bernard gets upset and says something quite insolent, which he would not say otherwise. Soon he realizes that he probably won't get away with it. Bernard thinks some nasty thoughts about his masters and rants in front of his wife.  
**Characters:** Bernard and his wife, Sir Humphrey, Hacker  
**Genre:** Humour (darker sort, that is)  
**Rating:** R  
**Warnings:** Bernard may use foul language while he's at home; mentions of corporal punishment; and also some novel concepts are discussed, such as why Bernard believes that sex should be subsidized.

Bernard had a lifetime of experience in dealing with volatile personalities.

_Listen as if you thought they were clever. Nod. And most importantly, bow down to them. Especially if they are your superiors. Never show any signs of disrespect. If you really must make fun of them, then be subtle and do it only if and when you can get away with it. Never use confrontational approach. In fact, encourage their excesses. And never ever ever reveal any ambition. Especially if they are your superiors._

Bernard had believed he had learned to juggle between his two masters until one day the chips fell down right on top of his head... but in fact things could and would get worse. He had to go home and face yet another volatile personality. No, not now. He just wanted to hide into his study, get wasted, perhaps flip through the pages of a naughty mag and perhaps cry a little in secrecy.

_What an appalling day. Too much adrenaline. Well, this debacle was rather amusing in a trainwreck sort of way. But be brave, more abuse awaits you at home, Bernard. Catherine kills me, when she finds out what happened in No 10 today. But I don't have to tell her. Of course, she understands something is off and starts asking questions. Stall, Bernard. Have to buy a naughty mag on the way._

He bought a mag, blushing deeply, knowing his wife gets riled up even more if she finds out. Bernard stopped before entering his apartment and took a deep breath, staring at a doormat, which said „WELCOME".

_The action plan is as follows: I start asking questions about her most recent trip to Harrod's, which undoubtedly took place today. Making it as quantitative as possible, Catherine should like numbers, she is an economist after all. Then she gets upset, locks herself in her room and I can avoid the real confrontation. _

Bernard could count 7 shopping bags in the corridor.

„Hello darling." He mumbled. „You've been shopping again I see..." He said in a shaky voice.

„Hectic days at work, you see, Bernard, I needed relaxation. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it, dear." Mrs. Woolley snapped and rushed into her room.

_That was easier than I expected. Gosh, I wonder how much all that costs. I'll tell her I am not going to pay for her shopping. Not this time! Why the heck do I usually pay anyway? Her own salary in the Bank of England is decent as well. I am not a doormat. Am I? Anyway, why were Hacker and Sir Humphrey both so riled up over my theory that perhaps subsidizing sex is not such a bad idea? _

Bernard was lounging idly in an armchair in his study and drinking Scotch. Finally peace and quiet. He could relax, or so he hoped.

_How can I tell Catherine? She wants divorce if she learns I crossed The Cabinet Secretary. She'll start screaming that our careers are finished and we are going to be exiled. No more Harrod's, no more Wimbledon! No more being a high flier with a hot wife and nice cars. It's the Drivers Licencing Centre in Swansea, baby! I'll probably never ever even get laid again. Oh Gosh..._

He was quickly halfway through the bottle. But he was still not feeling sufficiently drunk.

_I'm not such a lightweight like this old silly buffoon Hacker is._

Though he was finally feeling courageous enough to take out the naughty mag. Maybe that could cheer him up.

_Oh Gosh. That bird on the cover looks slightly like Annie Hacker. She has tried to shag me several times. Oh well, you can't blame her for that. She is fairly attractive, but sadly she's an intellectual match to her husband. But be it as it might, I cannot ever go there. No, just no. If I'm not finished off after today, then shagging the PM's wife is certainly going to finish me off. Finish me off... err... that came out very wrong. No pun intended. I am also married myself, Catherine tears my head off, damn it._

The door swung open and his Mrs. Woolley stepped in without knocking.

_Oh no, not again!_

„Bernard! That nonsense again! You little wa..." She screeched, looking at the mag in his hands in utter contempt. That voice made Bernard shiver. Immediately he was feeling stressed out again. She grabbed the mag from his hands and threw it into the fireplace. „Bernard, your obsession with this sort of... entertainment is pathological." Catherine said, looking uncomfortable.

Bernard turned crimson red and mumbled: „Well, I... uhh... I... ah hectic days at work, you see, Catherine, I needed relaxation. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it, dear. Which is coincidentally exactly the same thing you told me earlier today, when I asked about how your shopping trip went."

„Are you trying to bargain with me, Bernard?" Catherine asked with a hint of amusement and sat next to him.

„Uhh... yes and no. Don't you think, Catherine, that if we dwelled too deep into this, who knows what else might come out?"

„I see. Fair enough then. But I can see something is troubling you, Bernard. You can't fool me."

_Well, perhaps I should tell her? After all, I cannot trust anyone else for sure. She's not that stupid to tell this around the Bank. Maybe she has some novel ideas up her sleeve? Gucci sleeve._

Bernard sighed. „Well... it got off pretty awfully since early morning. Weinwright returned from her vacation, which is always a bad news in itself and then the situation deteriorated rapidly after that. The first thing she somehow managed to stir up some trivial petty quarrel with Appleby – the second disasterous move in just half an hour – which I had no dealings in whatsoever. I don't frankly even know the details. But by the time of noon it was already somehow all my fault."

_Crikey, I think I sort of zoned out when Mrs. Weinwright was talking to me. She talks quite a lot and it's just too much trouble listening. So boring to listen to her. I wonder if I should shag her. In principle yes, but as she's so indiscreet and certainly tells everybody, so not in practise._

„Get to the point, Bernard."

„Well, Catherine, I am telling you this in complete confidence. Being frank, bordering on direct... shit hit the fan and all hell broke loose in No 10 today."

„Bernard! I'm appalled! Must you use foul language at home?" Catherine snapped.

„YES! I cannot use it at work!" Bernard lashed out.

„Ugh..." Catherine's face turned crimson. „This must be pretty bad then. Don't tell me there is a civil service pay-cut coming?"

„No."

„Some propaganda bullsh- sorry. Another one of Hacker's brilliant reforms then I guess?"

„No. It's not another crisis in the middle east either. Nothing of that sort, Catherine. Worse than that. Ugh... Catherine, I might have messed up big time. Appleby is mad as hell with me." Bernard hung his head in shame.

„Bernard. What. Exactly. Did. You. Do?" Catherine asked, giving him a nervous glare.

Bernard sighed again and said: „Well... he went on and on rambling that I owe him everything and threatened me with a certain type of disciplinary action and I called the bluff, I'm afraid. I might have said something, which was not meant so but might have come off as if I was saying... he is not sound."

_That damn silly voice, STOP!_

„WHAT? YOU ARE JOKING?" Catherine's palm connected with her face.

„Uhuh... do you have any idea what it's like to juggle between two bosses – one is an idiot and another has a few screws loose – from day to day?" Bernard sniveled.

„Well it cannot be any more difficult than juggling between the government and The City from day to day!" Catherine snapped back.

„Oh do shut up for once, Catherine! Every bloody day I have to listen to that two-faced windbag Hacker raving about how awesome he is and getting his panties in a bunch if the newspapers write something unfavourable about him! Now, another brilliant idea of course, as Weinwright thought it very was amusing to persuade him to take away Appleby's key. He's just so indecisive! Who had to execute it? ME of course. I was put in the tank simply because Hacker doesn't have balls to confront Appleby himself. He's just that weak!

And not only that! He was extremely amused for the whole afternoon over Appleby climbing throught the window and when I was about to go home he started making fun of me.

„I think you did alright today, Bernard. But don't you think, Bernard, that YOU were a little too mean towards Humpy? BLAH BLAH BLAH!" I bloody couldn't believe it, what I heard. I did all I could to keep it as civil as possible while following his orders and now this two-faced windbag is trying to turn this against me. Blame everything on me, certainly. I'm quite sure that Appleby would have punched me today, if Weinwright had not been there. Maybe in the face.

You would have pissed your pants if you had seen how psychotic he was today. He was kicking the door of No 10 and cursing me. He was absolutely hysterical. It was actually funny.

Then, believe it or not, he climbed through the window to the PM's office. Oh Gosh... it was very embarrassing. Appleby looked like he'd start blubbing right there. But just before I was leaving the office, he apparently decided that he is not finished with slapping me around just yet. He powertripped in his usual manner, except there was a novel proposal attached to it this time...

„Bernard. Earlier today I was insisting upon you correcting your erroneous ways. I said we don't need to fall out over this. Yet, you persisted in being insolent with me. Taking all things into consideration and weighting all pros and cons, I'm afraid, my dear Bernard, your disobedience demands disciplinary action. You should never forget that I am in charge of your promotions! And you should never forget that it is me who created you! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH! For what you did today, I should in fact throw you across my knee and spank you, Bernard!"

Spank me? Spank me? Seriously? SPANK ME? Has that old coot gone completely off the deep end now? What the heck does he think? He's not getting away with it! I'm not a doormat. Am I? Soooo what the heck! Why not make a counterthreat! Who knows, he might even like his own medicine, right?

„With all due respect, Sir Humphrey, supposing you were right and I had broken rules, which I have not, disciplinary action should be taken in due course. But something as extreme as spanking is not within the guidelines of disciplinary action in the civil service. And it is not merely a little too extreme, but as I'm well past being a first-year in Oxford, it's also quite improper. And suppose that people heard that you spanked me, and not to mention that you climbed through windows earlier today... then people might – well, not me of course, but – people may start telling that you are not sound."

He looked at me like I had thrown him with a bucket of cold water. Called me „a very small bastard" and tried to say something but failed to find words, his face turned chalk-white and I used the opportunity to escape. But I'm afraid... he... may... want to... get rid of me now. I might be going for the chop as soon as Hacker's out of the office. Which just might coincidentally happen sooner than I expect."

„Oh Bernard, what on earth possessed you to say such disgraceful things?" Catherine growled. „Perhaps you are psychotic yourself? Suicidal?"

„Well, they say that anger is contageous." Bernard mumbled. „I'd be intrigued to know what you would have done in my place."

„You are such an idiot, Bernard." Catherine frowned. „Who told you to take this spanking bit so damn literally anyway? Must you always quibble?"

„What? Literally? Quibble? Aa..."

„You could have said for instance that you appreciate the concern but is it really the right way to acheive it? And you believe that if you need to be disciplined, it will done in due course and when the moment is ripe and in accordance with the appropriate guidelines. Really, Bernard... you could have handled the situation with creativity and tact but you really messed this up."

_Duh. Now that Catherine said that, it seems kind of obvious. Why didn't I think of that? But, crikey, Sir Humphrey appeared dead serious. After all, if we take into consideration that he climbed through the window, he might have spanked me just as well. Okay, the more I think of it, the more it makes sense that Sir Humphrey just might be into some strange stuff. Oh Gosh, I should never say it out loud._

Catherine was not finished: „If you ask me, then Appleby should have spanked you for this. You totally deserved it."

„Thank you, Catherine, that was really very helpful of you." Bernard snarled.

Catherine shot up from her chair and yelled into his face: „LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU: YOU SCREWED UP! BEING HILARIOUS WITH THE CABINET SECRETARY, NOT TO MENTION SAYING HE'S NOT SOUND... WAY TO GO, BERNARD! YOU ARE DOOOOOOMED NOW FOR CERTAIN!

_For fuck's sake stop yelling at me, you bitch! I really am fed up with those... volatile personalities. I'm not a doormat. Am I? Ah, whatever..._

Bernard shot up, flustered all over his face, feeling he could no longer control his temper, and yelled back: „WELL, IF YOU DON'T HELP ME NOW, YOU ARE EXILED WITH ME! GUILT BY ASSOCIATION, BABY! SAY GOODBYE TO THE BANK OF ENGLAND, SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR SHOPPING SPREES. YOU BETTER HELP ME OUT NOW OR IT'S THE WHITE FISH AUTHORITY IN BETTER AND WORSE!"

_Oh Gosh, I was so forthcoming with my own wife? Am I turning hysterical myself?_

Catherine stared at him in disbelief. „What? Me? It was you who screwed up! What can I do to help you anyway?"

„Well, do something! Please don't yell at me again, dear." Bernard whined. He sat down again and buried his face in his hands. He was very ashamed of himself.

Catherine looked out of the window, deep in thought. Finally she said: „Well, have you considered apologizing and pleading incompetence, Bernard? Maybe Appleby forgives you, if you play this with sufficient tact this time? You are just so stupid that staying angry with you is not possible."

„Incompetence? Catherine, I'm not incompetent! Or stupid! I acted on The Prime Minister's explicit ordes."

„Pardon, but by everything you've told me so far, you really are incompetent! Bring a written letter of explanation stating that you acted on The Prime Minister's explicit ordes. In the civil service, everything must be written..."

_There might be something in it. Sir Humphrey cannot exactly remove me for incompetence, because as everybody knows, removing civil servants for incompetence would be the thin end of the wedge, the end of civilization._

_Whatever he says, nod and applaud to him. Tell him, how much you admire him, that usually does the trick. It's highly unlikely he will pursue... extreme forms of disciplinary action further, should have cooled off for tomorrow and it's quite embarrassing after all. If you really must make fun of him, (be subtle and do it only if and when you can get away with it) keep it to yourself. And never ever ever reveal any ambition._


End file.
